it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
