I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
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