I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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