having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
