im drinking this country out of the recession.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
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