My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
