You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize