Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
