you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
