we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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