we're chasing vodka with high fives
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
