We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
