Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
