she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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