Im at strip club and am horny
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
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