I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
