My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
