i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
40s are totally the cure
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
