I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
