I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
