i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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