It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
