I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Randomize
