summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
