I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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