the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Randomize
