I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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