I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
