She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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