These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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