I saw his package. It spoke to me.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
