she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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