remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
