And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
