i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
