please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
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