My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
