I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Randomize
