Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
