You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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