He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
