I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
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We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
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Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
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