The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Randomize