Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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