My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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