I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Randomize
