so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
