Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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