Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
