I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
