i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
