question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
