Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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