Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
