I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
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Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
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Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize