never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
