Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
