i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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