I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
