Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
